Clementines & Coffee: Parental Intuition

This post is pretty raw but I've never been a blogger to mask real life with social media sunshine so here we go.....

Evan was born 9 weeks and one day ago today. When he was born I didn't think twice about breastfeeding, it was something I had decided to commit to long before Evan was even born.

Two bouts of mastitis, twenty days of antibiotics, countless capsules of fenugreek, gallons of mother's milk tea, and tablespoons of mother's milk drops later we have a child who was technically classified as failing to thrive because he has dropped to the 2nd percentile in weight.

Insert my broken heart here.

Evan has never been a big baby. Being born at 6lbs 4oz and leaving the hospital at 5lbs and 14oz, he started out small and was on a strict feed every two hours schedule. We stuck to the schedule and yet Evan always seemed hungry to Aaron and I. We expressed these concerns with doctors and they said his behaviors were the result of acid reflux and assured us there was no way he could possibly be hungry because he was steadily gaining weight. So, we trudged on with a fussy baby who we swore was hungry and fought our intuition because the medical professionals told us Evan was fine.

He was fine until they began to chart his weight that is. Turns out that although he's been gaining weight, he's been steadily falling lower and lower on the growth chart since he was three weeks old and if the trend continues he will actually fall off the curve by his next appointment.

Enter supplementing stage left. Three extra ounces in the morning, three extra ounces in the evening to start.

So as I type I find myself staring at a bottle of Reglan and a canister of Similac Organic formula trying to decide what we are going to do when our very small stash of freezer breast milk is gone.

Reglan is a prescription usually used for GI tract issues but has lactation listed as a "unlikely" side effect and is a strong medication that you have to be weened off of once you've begun taking it. If it works my body should be able to produce what Evan needs and we can continue to avoid using formula. If it doesn't work I've simply exposed myself to more chemicals and the risk of other side effects of the medication that mimic Parkinson's disease. So what do you do? There is a huge part of me that feels like if I was meant to exclusively breastfeed God wouldn't put me in a position to have to resort to prescription drugs as a last ditch effort but then the mom in me want's to say I literally tried it all.

I'm not sure if I should feel grateful or bitter towards the social guilt associated with the use of formula. On the one hand it's part of what has encouraged me to try nearly everything in my power to succeed at breastfeeding but on the other hand the pressure to exclusively breastfeed from both society and the medical community has also contributed to Evan's poor weight gain and my feelings of desperation and failure. Believe me, I fully understand the benefits of breastfeeding and am fully supportive of the concept......when it works. And for some, maybe it just doesn't work and maybe that just needs to be accepted as okay.

In a world of mom-shamers I am so thankful to be surrounded by fellow moms who have been nothing but supportive and encouraging. At this point I'm still undecided in regards to what path we'll take next but I'm just a few feedings shy of being forced to choose.

In the meantime I'll just bask in our string bean son's cute smiles and new sunny disposition courtesy of a full belly and trust that when the time actually comes we will know what to do.

Until next time friends......